WHY?????

Just got back from my CD 3 blood work appointment, I have to wait a few days for the results.
I also had a sonogram done Dr. said I have good ovaries--lol. Well, at least there is one piece of good news.
More blood work results came back, looks like I'm adding to the list of things that are wrong with me (shaking my head in disbelief).UGH!!!! when will this end...?

I have a slightly elevated level of natural killer cells(his standard number is 12, I'm at 13) which (and this is still a controversial topic with most physicians) may also be the cause of my miscarriages. There is a possibility that the NK cells may view the embryo as foreign and attack it. This is also treatable with an intralipid infusion(?)
and possibly prednisone(which I DO NOT want to take)
An Intralipid infusion is done at home and it takes about two hours-I think I have to do it twice.

This is getting to be extremely overwhelming for me. I don't even like to take tylenol for Christ's sake. But, here I am, getting ready to take shot after shot after shot...etc, infusions, birth control pills, extra vitamins called Metanx(due to the MTHFR), and PREDNISONE? I can't help but wonder what I'm doing to my body. I know, I know, I'm a smoker-I bet you're all thinking that right now. For some reason when it comes to taking drugs, medication, I start freaking out.
I honestly don't know if I can do this, it is too much for one person to handle all at once. I still haven't gotten all my blood work results back, what if (God forbid) there is something else that's an issue--then what?

Why is this happening to me--to us-I just don't get it. All we want is to have a baby. It shouldn't be this hard.
To top it off, now I have to feel guilty about the fact that I am so scared to do all those things mentioned above, that the thought of not doing this at all has crossed my mind.
All I say to myself is -- Lori, you want a baby so bad, why can't you get over all your fears and just do it. God, I feel like a horrible mother already. Lord, please give me strength, cause I don't know which way to go right now. I guess my biggest fear would be doing all of this (taking all this medication, and giving myself anxiety in the process) and then the IVF doesn't work. I don't know where I'd get the strength to handle that either (probably my wonderful husband, poor guy for having to deal with me-lol). I know there have been so many women who have gone through this...it's just really hard for me to shake this fear. Somebody please tell me I can do this, somebody please tell me that it is all going to be ok...Lord please give me strength....