We had waited for this day for almost two and a half years and it went perfectly --without a hitch!
This had to be a sign of things to come.
It must have meant a wonderful life together.
Full of all our wishes coming true.
Well most of our wishes have been fulfilled
all except one - one very important one....
our wish to have a baby.... "right away" was how we put it when people asked when we would start trying.
And so this is where our story takes a turn, no more perfect days, just days of unknown things to come.
I'll start from the beginning...
We started "trying" on our honeymoon, but September came and so did the lovely Aunt Flo.We weren't too disappointed because honestly we had no reason to believe that we would have any problems conceiving..this too would soon change.
September ended.. still we were not worried .. it was going to happen we were so sure of it.
Enter October
This month did not start out to be a great month -my grandmother passed away on the 9- I was devastated, especially since she was in Italy and I never got a chance to see her or say goodbye. For some reason when this happened I had a feeling. They always say when someone is taken away a new life is created, well, it was October 12 when I took the test and when I saw that word "pregnant" on that stick I couldn't stop shaking, I cried for so many reasons. Happiness, yes, but the feeling that this was a gift from my grandmother made it so much more than that. Our wish was coming true.. we knew it would happen! It was the most bitter sweet week of my life-it was something that I had never experienced before, everyday was a new adventure for me.
I remember waking up startled from a nightmare I had on October 21 -in my dream I was bleeding -- things were not going well with the pregnancy. I don't know if that dream was God's way of preparing me for what was about to happen, but when I woke up that dream, the one dream I never wanted to come true, was now a reality.
Confused and upset, I ran to the doctor's office. The sonogram showed nothing, the test came up negative. Now I am even more confused. Had I imagined this whole thing? Impossible! This should not be happening! the doctor was so cold, "oh it was mostly likely a chemical" she said. A WHAT!? what does that even mean? Still bleeding I left the office in a daze, a cloud forming where my brain used to be. A couple of blood tests later, my dream was gone. Just like that.One day your picking out names and designing a nursery, and the next it was as if it never really happened. No one understood my pain, I mean I was only pregnant for a week, why should this hurt, right? WRONG! "Don't worry, it was just a fluke", people would say. Just a FLUKE!? "It's God's way of saying something wasn't right" This was my baby, friends and family brushed off to be nothing. Everyone was throwing statistics at me, "oh , this is very common for first pregnancies". Really!? I wanted to punch something.
It was the most painful experience I have ever had... that is until...
We waited another month before "trying" again. This time I was not hopeful, but more scared. What if we get pregnant and that happens again? How will I deal with it? I couldn't deal with it .. it would be impossible! But this was all we wanted, and surely God would not put us through that awful experience again. After all, God doesn't do that to good people, right?
It was December 16, our 4 month anniversary, (yes just 4 months) when to our surprise we found out we were pregnant again. Cautiously optimistic, was how we felt to say the least. But it would be different this time, it had to be. As terrified as I was, I could not let it affect me, I had a little one to take care of now. I would take every precaution this time. I went to the doctor as soon as I found out, of course it was so early that nothing could be seen, so I scheduled my 6 week appointed. Those two weeks were pure torture for me, everyday wondering what was going on inside me. Not knowing was driving me crazy! Eventually, that beautiful day came. As I lay there in the sono room shaking, all I kept saying to myself was, " please God let me see something". I couldn't see the screen at first, so I was relying on my husband to show some kind of emotion... SHOW ME SOMETHING DAMN IT!!! And then, the sono tech turned the TV to me and pointed at something flickering on the screen..IT WAS A HEARTBEAT. I melted at that very moment, it was so small, but there none the less, and I was so happy! The doctor said everything looked "great" and to come back in three weeks.
She sent me for some routine (and not so routine, which is explained in the next sentence) blood work in the meantime. I was concerned because there is what's called a Robertsonian Translocation that runs in my family, this affects your chromosomes and is also a possible cause for miscarriage..I never knew if I had it or not, so I was also tested for that.
January 7, my grandfather passed away. Again, I was devastated and could not see him or say goodbye, he was in Italy as well. Could this be another gift from him?
January 21, my mom's birthday, was my next appointment. I was 9 weeks at the time, or so I thought. I was so nervous for some reason, I just kept saying "I hope everything is OK". Again, people assuring me that the last time was just a "fluke" (I hated that word). Again, I lay on that table in the sono room, looking for answers from my husband. Something was different this time though, there was no smile on his face, just a look of confusion. As she turned the TV to me this time, she didn't show me a heartbeat, instead she showed me that there was no blood flow to my baby, no heartbeat ... nothing. I was looking at my dead baby, it was so much bigger this time, I knew it had grown since our last visit. So when! When did this happen! Please God not again! Please God not again... I didn't believe it at first, I was in a state of shock. I told my husband "I give up".Turns out I am a carrier for the translocation, and the doctor believes it could be causing my miscarriages, She throws out words like in vitro and embryo testing. WHAT!? We don't need IVF, what was she talking about? Why was this happening to us? It wasn't until the doctor mentioned a D&C to me that I believed this was happening ... again. We scheduled it for the next day. I couldn't bare to miscarry naturally...again. I didn't really start crying until we were in the parking lot...I should say sobbing. As my husband and I held each other in that parking lot, I felt as if my world came crashing down on us. But he was all I had to get through this, my rock, God bless him. I know he was in pain too. I hate that doctors office!
January 22, the D&C. I have nothing to say about this really.. it wasn't physically painful, I was asleep, but when it was done my baby was gone...again. Emotionally, well, that's always another story.
And so this is where my IVF journey begins...
this is my way of documenting this journey.
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