Let the Therapy Begin

We have decided that going to speak to someone might be in our best interest.
After all, this is way too much for any couple to endure let alone newlyweds.
I sometimes fear we won't make it at all.
I have way too much anger in me and neither Frankie nor I know how to deal with it.

Yesterday I started my first session, Frankie will be coming with me on Monday.
This therapist specializes in fertility (or lack there of) and family life. She too was shocked when I gave her our history of the past 9 months.
What kind of strength does one have to possess to get through this?
They say God only gives you what you can handle...I don't think God knows me very well.

Somewhere along this journey I seem to have lost something...myself.
I do not know where "me" went. I used to be so different.
Full of life and energy, fun.
Now I am just sad, confused...standing still. This is part of what makes me so angry. The crazy thing is I don't know who I'm angry at.

Myself, for allowing me to be this way?
Frankie, for not being the kick in the ass that I desperately need?
God, for putting us in this situation?
Our families and friends, for not truly understanding the pain this has caused us?
My body, for being so messed up?

I feel tortured at times, and maybe letting go of the dream to have my own children would be easier.
I would like to look into adoption, Frankie is not there yet. I understand that it is a difficult decision and not one to be taken lightly, but, I resent this for two reasons...

1. I feel he just wants me to through as many IVF cycles as I can endure he still believes it will work...I on the other hand do not want to put all my eggs in one basket (no pun intended) Both adoption and IVF could take years. I do not have the strenghth for that.

2. He does not truly understand my fear of not being able to have children. Everyone says
"it will happen" And I want to believe that, but I just don't. This is not something new that I just came up with due to present circumstances,no, it is a fear I have expressed many times when I was younger. You might call it womans intuition. I wish I could be proven wrong believe me, I want nothing more than that. But the fear is still real to me, and until I hold my baby --it will never go away.

I wish I could go back in time to the "old me" and I know I can't, I just have to try and find her again. I hope this therapy helps. Right now it's my only hope.