Most difficult week of my life

I don't think anyone (who hasn't gone through this) truly understands just how difficult this past week has been.
As usual I have closed myself off to the world, only because it's easier for me to deal with my emotions that way.
Emotions... wow I have experienced every emotion in the book these past couple of days.
I go from feeling completely hopeless to to thinking that maybe, just maybe this might have worked.
I haven't cried this much in a very long time. Having gone through everything that we've endured up to this point, well, let's just say the pressure for this to have worked is really weighing heavily on my shoulders right now. I want this so bad...we want this so bad.
I've been trying to convince myself that I "feel" pregnant, I mean ALL the symptoms are there, and everyone keeps saying to be positive.
But then I chalk it up to all the medication I am taking because luckily (oh lucky lucky me) they cause similar symptoms as pregnancy would. SERIOUSLY- could anybody have made this process any freaking harder than it is-it's like banging your head against a wall.

I have no strength to hear bad news tomorrow, I truly don't.

I have been testing at home since Sat., just to make sure the HCG from the shot was out of my system, and well... it sure is cause I've been getting one negative after another. This in itself is not helping me. I know it's early to test, but yet, day after day I continue torture myself. Why do I do this? I dreamt that both our embies were girls last night. Why do I do this?

I honestly don't know what I am going to do tomorrow. My appointment is at 10 and then I guess I have to wait for his phone call. the phone call that will either devastate me or or make me cry for joy. I cry now just writing that. I will not handle bad news well, this I am fully aware of. It has been a roller coaster of emotions, ups, downs, loop-d-loops, and feeling like I was going to fall out cause I wasn't strapped in tight enough. It all comes down to this...this one phone call tomorrow. Seems like it should be more than that. That's like a pat on the back saying sorry kid good job, but not this time. And then your left alone to wonder why you failed.
And if it is good news shouldn't there be fireworks or something. I mean don't I deserve at least that?

I feel like I am begging God and St. Gerard every second of the day to just please give us a miracle. I have sobbed begging Him. I wonder if He is listening.
I wonder why He has given us this cross to bear, I mainly wonder when He'll finally take it off our shoulders.

I know it may be difficult for most mothers to understand, but imagine your lives without those children... you can't right?
That's how I feel, except I don't know if I'll have the opportunity to see my life WITH children. Please don't say I am crazy for thinking that way, everything is a possibility one way or another. We may never see our dream of having children realized, or we may. I don't know what our future will bring. I am merely trying to explain the pain that is inside of me, the fear. I just can't even imagine what life will be like if I never get the chance to hear someone calling me mommy. It would be such a shame for Frankie to not be able to be a Dad. God, he would be the most amazing father ever. It hurts to think that I could take that experience away from him.

So, here's to tomorrow may it bring fireworks. Please continue to pray for us.

I don't know what or even if I will post about tomorrow. Please don't call and ask me either--Let us deal with this (whatever this will be) in our own way -- Thank you:)