Down Time

What is down time?
For most people it means a relaxing weekend away from work, or a few minutes at your desk where there is absolutely nothing to do.
For some it's the beginning of  the school year after a long summer, where your children are kept busy by someone other than yourself.
Depending on how it's viewed, down time, for most, is seen as a good thing. Great even.
I vaguely recall a time in my life when I welcomed it myself.


Down time to me now is not being asked about my fertility, not going to the doctor every other day concerning my fertility, not having blood drawn, or needles poked at my belly, not "trying" to have a baby, or miscarrying.
Down time to me is waiting for my next IVF cycle.
Down time for me is just making this all a longer process than I would have liked.


I find myself in down time right now, but somehow I don't seem to be enjoying it as much as I should be.
Maybe because my down time consists of me thinking about our next IVF cycle-taking a "break" from what has consumed me in this past year. Because if I wasn't worrying about getting pregnant, I would be worrying about holding onto a pregnancy, and when I didn't have to "worry" about that anymore, I would worry about why I was miscarrying --this was all a vicious cycle.
Then a whole new set of worries came along with three little letters that held so much meaning: IVF. The vicious cycle continued.


Friday will be 6 weeks since the last vicious cycle ended, and it will be a few more weeks until we start again. Hoping to break the cycle.


My point is that here I am with nothing to worry about right now, for the first time in a very long time, and I don't know what to do with myself. The reality of this scares me becasue it means that I have gotten so used to the all the worrying and the negativity that I don't know how to enjoy this "down time. " I have to make things up to worry about. My mind starts racing with all these different thoughts about, well, just about everything. So now it's not why aren't I pregnant(well, it still is), it's why aren't I working or doing something productive with myself. As if working on my fertility was productive? But yet, that's how I saw it-at least I was doing something.
The plan was we would get married, have a baby, and I'd be a stay at home mom. Not too difficult or intricate of a plan. WHY IS OUR PLAN NOT WORKING!


This waiting game is not making me happy. If I had my way I would have jumped right back into it.
Because in all honesty this down time is just wasted time, and maybe that's really why I can't enjoy it.