Already??? Really?!

AF arrived this morning. It's bittersweet really.
I cried because it just confirmed the fact that I did indeed miscarry again, but at the same time I was sort of happy because it meant that I could finally move on to whatever our next step will be.

Next step? Why does there always have to be a next step?
When will we be able to put this nightmare behind us?

It's crazy how one second I feel as if I can't go on anymore with any of this, and all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air in defeat.
Then the next second I just want to go forward in hopes of achieving our ultimate goal and nothing could stop me.
But there is that hope word again, and we all know how I feel about that word.

Eventually something will stop me though.
I cannot go on like this forever.
 I WILL NOT endure another year of this pain.
I am barely making it now. I am scraping up the last bit of strength I have left to push forward right now as it is.

One way or another I will be a mom.
I don't know how it will happen or how long it will take, but I will be a mom.